Thursday, September 6, 2012

The Runaway Bride

So it’s an open secret that I have a lifelong membership to ALL the matrimonial sites in India, and I strategically renew it every year during the ‘sale’ season. Yes, would you believe it, even matrimonial sites have a ‘limited period offer’, and the cheap Bengali that I am, I simply can’t resist taking advantage of this ‘discounted’ opportunity to meet and marry a fellow cheap Bengali!

Earlier I would get resentful and create a fuss every time my mom would ask me to go through xyz profile or meet abc guy. But over the years, I have got used to it and now it almost has an entertainment value to it (yes, my life is THAT empty!)

So, I have this really elaborate profile haunting the matrimonial space with me in a black saree, hair in place and a perfect smile (not too wide) with completely irrelevant details like my birth date/time, caste/sub-caste, rashi/gotra etc. etc. most of which I don’t even understand. Also, my personality is described as ‘modern yet traditional with very strong values’ and apparently I am a teetotaler/occasional drinker. Obviously, my parents know none of this is true, since we have all got high together at multiple times, but my mom was strictly instructed by the ‘consultant’ (yes, matrimonial sites also have consultants) to tailor my profile in a way so that it receives the maximum number of hits, which explains the abundance of certain keywords to ensure high visibility in search results.

A typical ‘alliance’ would start with my mom calling me hesitantly and asking me ‘to check my mail’, an euphemism for ‘there is a guy waiting for you in black and white’. Excited I would immediately do so, only to be disappointed that there IS no new mail. I would call her back and crib, ‘but you promised!’ Puzzled, she would rack her brains and say, ‘check your spam’ and I would wail, ‘see, it’s a case of natural selection. Nature is against me marrying this guy.’

A few days/months later (depending upon my mom’s hectic schedule/availability of ‘eligible’ Bong bachelors on matrimonial sites), she would again call me. This time, there would indeed be a profile sitting pretty in my inbox, mostly as a PDF ATTACHMENT! Yes, it did take me some time to recover from the shock, but now I have learnt to take it in my stride. For the next half an hour I would put all important things on hold and minutely scrutinize my potential husband’s resume, watching out for phrases like ‘engineer’, ‘investment banker’, ‘social drinker’, ‘settled abroad’ all of which scream out, ‘I am adequately qualified to bore you to death’.

Once in a blue moon, I would fail to find any glitch in the profile and agree to share my phone number with a stranger, who would appropriately call me after a gap of 2-3 days and we would politely discuss the weather, our individual job descriptions and career aspirations, moving on to other neutral topics like hobbies, movies (I would NEVER admit that I have watched American Pie a million times and stick to Schindler’s List as my all-time favourite movie) and cricket. After a few calls/chats, we would figure out we are ‘not compatible’, i.e. too ugly/too boring or even worse, decide to meet.

Now this boy-meeting phase is a bit disappointing since I am not at home, which evidently means that I miss out on the filmy bit: i.e. the decking up in a saree, making chai and carrying it till the living room in towering heels, eyes fixated on the floor. Unfortunately even my parents are not so paranoid to insist on flying down every time I am supposed to meet someone and ensure that their only daughter is ‘protected’. So they happily put the ball in my court and ask me to go ahead and meet up casually ON MY OWN. With so much responsibility to live up to the claims in my illustrious profile (i.e. modern yet traditional/pleasant/pretty), I have to be extremely careful to hide MY REAL SELF.

And there it is: the life of the eternal Runaway Bride

18 comments:

Smita said...

LOL!! Been there & done that! Serioulsy it is a boring job to find 'the right one'!

Good luck :)

the.orchestra.of.life said...

The story is not very different even on the guys' side ! :)

xibi said...

Once again!!! Story of my life :D :D :D ...

Makk said...

thata good one...lolzzzz

:D

no really, :D, trust me.

I mailed you and you never replied but you can give your number to strangers. ... keep going girl.. :)

itsme said...

Thoroughly enjoyed reading it..

Nefertiti said...

@smita
oh no no no... it's soo much fun! I am not in it to find the right guy, but to derive some entertainment!

@the.orchestra.of.life
ohh I am sure it is. But after a point, you really start seeing the funny side of it

@xibi
I can imagine so many people relating to this experience. You should also share some of the funny incidents that you have come across in this respect.

@makk
to be fair, you are a stranger as well. But like I mentioned, there is some issue with my mailbox and the mail got deleted. REALLY!

@itsme
thank you and welcome. keep dropping by

Lazarus said...

Hillarious!

jo said...

So that's where all the eligible ppl are :)

Nefertiti said...

@lazarus

with all your fancy french, the least you can do is to spell hilarious correctly. but anyway, good to know that you STILL read my blog despite being one of its biggest critics...

@jo
that's where all the eligible women are. As for the men, I am trying to figure out

survivingbrain said...

One good thing i like about matrimony sites compared to meeting girls socially, is that - most of the girls i meet at pubs/get togethers/through friends are mostly dating someone, married, or not available for the weirdest of reasons.

At a matrimony site, I at least know at least 50% of the girls are actually looking for a partner.

The rest is sometimes fun, I like the mystery surrounding the profile.

And no advises to you this time! I have stopped giving suggestions/advices to people, as I have noticed that due to the extreme superior nature of my brain, normal mortal souls find it difficult to comprehend what i usually mean!! :P:P

Soul said...

hey bhagwan, I am yet to go through all this but I know I will be there soon. damn my Mom never let me have any BF when I was in college and now she says " koi hai toh please batao "

Nefertiti said...

@sb
again, comments longer than the post cannot be processed by my teeny tiny brain. hence, I would just accept your words of wisdom in good faith.

@soul
ohh it's quite fun. you would love it.

Pesto Sauce said...

I too have been doing rounds of these sites and now I too am bored of it, everyday I have to receive atleast 2 mails from Jeevansaathi

Nefertiti said...

@pesto sauce

ohh you should make the most of the entertainment while you still can

Makk said...

Please mention your entertainment idea, so all and sundry can benefit from me

Makk said...

I mean "from it"

prachetash said...

I am curious to know the story of what-happens-in-the-casual-meetups! :)

Nefertiti said...

@makk
to each his/her own. my idea of entertainment may not benefit others.

@prachetash
let's save that one for another post. Unlike you, I post more often and hence need more ideas.