Gazing into the Crystal Ball

It’s not my blogging day. I blog every alternate day, not because I am busy on the other alternate days, but because I like to create the illusion that I have a life. But today, when I walked into the office and checked my mail, I got a pleasant surprise, only marginally less pleasant than the PREVIEW sale at Pantaloons and Lifestyle EXCLUSIVELY for members, i.e. losers like me who have spent shitloads of money buying stuff which they don’t need. My boss was on sick leave. The only thing better than your own IMPROMPTU sick leave (when you are actually NOT sick) is when your boss takes an impromptu sick leave. I should have believed it, when my horoscope in the Mumbai Mirror said that “seniors at work will be co-operative.”

Now I am one those people who absolutely definitely DO NOT BELIEVE in the bullshit called astrology. It’s no rocket science, in fact it’s no science at all, though it’s quite an art: the art of politely saying “no” to a marriage proposal. It’s more politically correct to say “our horoscopes don’t match” rather than saying, “you are downright ugly/stupid”. Despite my lack of faith, I religiously read my daily horoscope in not one, but two-three newspapers, and more often than not, that’s the ONLY thing I read in those newspapers (except of course the important editorial pieces like “how to lose five kgs in five weeks” or “how to meet your perfect soulmate” or “how to lose that perfect soulmate when you figure out he is NOT that perfect after all”).

So, given my wide expertise in interpretations of zodiac predictions, here are a few observations, which may seem completely inaccurate on the face of it, but if you scratch the surface, you would appreciate that even with Bejan Daruwala, it’s not just the alcohol talking: there IS about half a page of truth in those 535 pages of utter nonsense (don’t lie. I SEE you sneaking around in the Astrology section in Crossword everyday, reading your forecasts):

The most common goof up is: “Capricorn: Financially a good year” and yet, inflation keeps eating into your bank balance. The fine print you missed is, “financially, a good year. FOR. YOUR. BOSS.” He will get all the work done by you, and keep the majority of the bonus pool for himself. Or take this example. Year after year, your forecasts keep saying “Pisces: Marriage is on the cards” and yet you keep wondering why you are still single. What they mean is that you will receive plenty of wedding invitations (or as per our national language, “cards”). Of course, marriage IS on the cards, but nobody said it will be YOURS…

Or take the universal forecasts for which you don’t really need an astrologer. For example, “Gemini: Excellent year for rethinking career plans and options” or “Virgo: Friends and family will be supportive of your needs”. Really? Even I could have told you that…

The worst ones are which begin with an action-plan but go on to tell you why you should, in fact, NOT implement that action plan, thus making you feel comfortable with status quo. It’s not YOU who is resistant to change, but it’s your horoscope. Take this example: “Aries: It seems that you're ready for a major change in your life, but take care that you don't implement change merely for the sake of change. Think carefully about what you really want to do.” Yayy… time to sit back, and continue watching Emotional Atyachaar. You would definitely switch channels, if it wasn’t for the horoscope.

Please transfer 10% of the MRP (and not the price you pay on Flipkart) for accurate personalized interpretations of Bejan Daruwalla’s upcoming forecasts for 2012…


P.S. The "marriage is on the cards" bit is not original. I read it somewhere and it stuck.