Sunday, January 1, 2012

New Year Nuisance

Hello. Silence… Hi. Silence… How are you?... Silence… Can you stop typing on your BB for one second and listen to me? Silence... I have decided to get married. Silence…


So that was me and my dad. After failing to get his attention for 15 minutes, I resorted to the ONE SENTENCE that seems to have garnered more interest this last week than Poonam Pandey’s promises to strip.

And at times like this, I thank my stars that not too many people like me. As it is, I have 332 ‘friends’ on Facebook and for the last week I have been bombarded with various wall posts wishing EVERYONE “good health, wealth, prosperity and fulfillment in 2012”. Add to that the random sms-es beginning sharp at midnight and some losers (like anon) had the audacity to call me in the middle of the night TO WISH ME A HAPPY NEW YEAR! Imagine the chaos and the sheer annoyance if I WERE POPULAR, like my dad, for example! Shudder!!

I LOVE text messages (in fact a witty tongue-in-cheek sms conversation in the middle of the night has a very high romantic quotient) but what I absolutely abhor are universal, impersonal messages sent to everybody on your address book.

Take the examples of a few common new year sms-es that nearly all of us have received sometime this week. If you haven’t, please tell me what you did right to piss off so many people.

The unimaginative ones which you get from multiple people: “Wishing you and your fly a very happy new year. May 2012 bring you lots of love, happiness, peace and prosperity. Ram and Sita.”
My first issue with this one is the use of the word ‘fly’ which makes you look down involuntarily. How difficult is it to spell out FAMILY really? I know it’s called short message service, but I prefer to use full forms at certain crucial places. Secondly, if you ARE wishing me so many good things, can you at least replace love, happiness, peace and prosperity with more tangible THINGS like money, alcohol, chocolates and sex? Finally, I am sure your poor spouse had nothing to do with this text, so why drag her into it at the end?

The poetic ones: “Nights are Dark but Days are Light. Wish your Life will always be Bright. So my Dear don't get Fear Coz, God Gifted us a "BRAND NEW YEAR" *****HAPPY NEW YEAR 2012****”
Not everybody can be Shakespeare, but bad poetry can really make you throw up. We already have a Kolaveri Di to deal with. Spare us the torture on this new year please. And what’s with the stars? We have a SRK to throw starry fits make movies like Don 2 and Ra.One, we don’t need more shocks.

The ‘nationalistic’ ones: These are inspired by patriotic sentiments which insist on the regional element. “Beet gaya jo saal, Bhul jaayein; Beet gaya jo saal, Bhul jaayein; Es Naye Saal ko Gale lagayein; Karte hai dua hum Rab se sar jhukake...Es Saal k Sare Sapne pure ho Aapke. *NAYA SAAL MUBARAK*”
I can’t criticize this one because I can’t understand this one. I dutifully reply with a “wish you the same”.

On that note, I wish all my readers (all five and a half of you) a very happy new year. I hope you all are promoted, get laid, lose weight, buy a house in Mumbai… (if you are being optimistic, might as well be unrealistic)


Carpe Diem! said...

Hah. I received exactly 6 messages this year, out of which 2 were personalized. :D This is what I did for that:

1. Never messaged people back in the last 2 years.

2. Went to Matheran for the New Year's weekend with people who matter and kept my phone out of coverage area for 3 days. :P

(Also, I wish people a year full of sex, alcohol and chocolates on their birthdays. So, it isn't needed on New Year's. ;))

hawk scary said...

^ Ditto what I did couple of years ago.

Nefertiti said...

@carpe diem
ahhh... words of wisdom indeed!! and I am assuming you are wishing me the same for MY b'day as well, which coincides with the new year as well!

@hawk scary
first time visitor? welcome! and interesting blogger id

Carpe Diem! said...

Oh, totally! I wish you have a year full of hot men drooling at your feet and loads of travelling away from corporate parties. ;) :D

hawk scary said...

@Shimonti/Egyptian Queen :

not really ..:P I have commented before..and have been following your blog post since quite some time ..:P

I integrated my blog with google plus and my name changes because of that..:P

hawk scary said...

*my changed because

Neil said...

As a surprise birthday gift, we are going to sign you up for anger management sessions.

survivingbrain said...


why are the things people actually want close to illegal-immoral??

I guess i will want an immoral new year :D

psst: some how, the 5 and a half reader figure that you figured out and the number of followers actually does not match. SO this new year, can you stop counting and updating the number of readers and just write?

This Person Does Not Exist™ said...

well i might help you.. i havent got single such txt :) anywho happy new year njoy

This Person Does Not Exist™

Nefertiti said...

@haek scary
and your name will be?

if are telling me, it will no longer be a SURPRISE!! gah... AND I DO NOT NEED ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES. you need meanness management classes.

i like the immoral new year resolution :)
and how about NOT finding fault with my math for another resolution?

@this person does not exist
how? plz plz tell me. and what an absolutely awesome blogger id! and welcome...