Giving up but not giving in...

So I gave up… it wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t impulsive as is the case usually with me. For a change, it was backed by cold hard logic. Painful as it was, empty as it felt, still it was the most sensible thing to do. And two weeks into my job, I have already started being sensible, pragmatic and definitely a stronger person. The long hours and the tiredness helps! Less time to brood, less time to obsess and less time to think (in fact less ability to think)! It gave me a strange sense of freedom though and right now, freedom seems a rare and cherished luxury…

I offered the best of me, but didn’t settle for something less; I gave up, but I didn’t give in; it was a sacrifice, but it wasn’t a compromise; I lost something precious, but I didn’t lose myself…

SO WHAT?

So I am halfway through my training, most of which involved “analytical thinking”. I am not sure that you can alter the way a person thinks in a 3 hour session, but what do I know… I am a new hire and I am supposed to behave like one, i.e. enthusiastic, eager, excited… As if the long "thinking" sessions aren't enough, we are also encouraged to "ask questions" especially "So What?" and at the end of it all, the only question I am left asking is, "When is the lunch break?" which isn't looked upon too kindly. Other than analytical thinking, another much abused term is “networking” and we have been strictly instructed to “network” with as many people as we can: seniors, colleagues, HR, operations, IT and anybody and everybody “from whom we can learn and who can be helpful in future”. Strangely getting along and liking the person aren’t really important enough reasons to “network”! So yes, I did learn a lot in my weeklong training. The weekend was wasted in trying to pass inane online exams, one of which I flunked 8 times but finally, much to my relief, I have managed to clear them all.
Much to my surprise, I have been politely informed by a friend that people who don’t know me too well (i.e. the other new hires) don’t like me too much because I come across as rude, unfriendly, unapproachable, introvert and sarcastic. So I get upset when people avoid me or don’t initiate a conversation with me even if I don’t exactly like them. The idea is that I can be rude to them, ignore them¸ but not the other way round. In a perfect world where I live, things should work the way I want them to, i.e. others should love me, they should die to talk to me and they would consider me as the most fascinating person EVER while I can be judgmental, moody and basically a nuisance…

Bottomline: It’s an unfair world, but so long it’s unfair in my favour, I don’t really mind!

THE PLEDGE!!

I am back Hyderabad after a year, back in Silicon Valley guest house, back to smiling familiar faces, all ready to start a new journey, to begin a new phase in life. A couple of weeks of training and induction and I am back to Mumbai, where I belong. So I begin work officially from tomorrow, and today being the last day of freedom, will solely be devoted to my favourite pastime, i.e. mindless thinking and obsessing about irrelevant little things and deriving a perverse pleasure out of it! Strangely, I am not as excited as I should be about this whole new beginning: may be because I have worked before, or may be because I did my summers here and so it’s not so new an experience or may be just that I am not the kind who gets super excited about a corporate career. I am more preoccupied with my new life in Mumbai, my new house and my potential dysfunctional relationships.

But now that I AM a part of this jungle, now that I am formally and legally bound to this terrible thing called “the corporate rat race”, now that I have gracefully agreed to be a part of this rut, here is my PLEDGE before I embark on this journey which has trapped many an innocent soul:

I will NOT sacrifice myself at the altar of corporate rat race…
I will NOT sacrifice my self respect to climb up ANY ladder…
I will NOT compromise on my values, my principles and my beliefs (whatever little I have)…
I will NOT suck up to people, bitch behind people’s back or go to extreme lengths to fast track my career…
I will NOT be unethical, unfair, partial or dishonest…
I will NOT get personally involved with the people I work, especially if they happen to be (un)happily married bosses…
I will NOT lose perspective, forget who I am, forget my social life, family or my hobbies in my race to the top…

Finally, I WILL always remember that at the end of the day it is JUST A JOB (yes, even in this recession) and not what I REALLY want to do, and therefore I should continue to pursue my dreams…

I love my dad, I am so proud of him and I think I am the luckiest daughter EVER, but I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE HIM!!!!

Scent of a Woman

The Blue Lady… that’s my perfume these days: it’s small, no-frills and probably the most “sensible” perfume I have ever used. I had tried it once before, but then got carried away with more exotic fragrances (Escada, Calvin Klein, even Dior). So now that my bank account has only a unidirectional cash (out)flow, this is the safest option that I can possibly afford. It’s reasonable, it’s familiar, and it’s comforting. And I have this thing for blue or any shade of it (turquoise obviously is my favourite). But yeah, I like the feel of it, I like the way it clings on to me and I like the faint scent of it on my clothes ages later after I had worn it as I try to remember the occasion for which I had dressed up. And then I smile and then I go back to thinking as I look at the bottle right next to me…

Singapore Sojourn

These last few months have been a sort of a walk down the memory lane for me, literally! I have traveled a lot, and mostly to places where I had been as a kid, with my parents. And last week, I decided suddenly to take off to Singapore: my first international trip as an adult, and I first trip abroad ALONE! Usha Aunty (who remains the sole grown up and sensible reader of my blog) had suggested it a few times, and I assumed she was serious about it and invited myself to her house (there are rumours that Aditya didn’t much like my company but I of course, refuse to believe it… who in his right mind, will NOT enjoy my company?)

The last time I went there some nine years back I did the usual “tourist” spots: Sentosa Island, Night Safari, Zurong Bird Park and actually tried shopping at Orchard Road (and got super depressed). But this time, I am older, more matured and grown up, and therefore I didn’t want to follow the beaten path and tried something different (read, Aditya refused to go shopping with me) and made me walk seven hours a day, but I am not complaining! So yes, we actually explored unheard of places like the Sungei Buloh rainforest, trekked through Changi beach park, got a bit of the local flavour at Chinatown and instead of burning money at the much touted river cruise through Clarke Quay, we decided to explore it on foot, and get up, close and personal to the famous Merlion, pose for pics at the lit-up CBD and Fullerton Hotel. Besides of course, the usual visit to the Singapore Zoo, the Botanical Gardens, the Sun Tek mall and Mustafa were done.

The public transport (the buses and the MRT) ensures that even strangers to the city will feel completely at home and after five days of traveling up and down the country, hopping from one route to another across three different lines, I was as much at home as I am with the Mumbai local trains. As far as I could see, in spite of being an expensive place, the people there were a pampered lot, and yet I was told that they ranked very low on the happiness index! I suddenly felt a stab of anger at our political set up, at our leaders and the government, for not doing enough for the country as I experienced the fruits of labour by a small country which had virtually no natural resources, no industries and which had to depend on other countries for even basic necessities. But I also felt “country sick” as I missed India, in all its miseries, dirt and dust…

However the high point of my trip was definitely being with Aditya’s family, the warmth with which they made me a part of their family, the enthusiasm with which they showed me around the city even though they had seen those places so many times before, and the way it felt like home even though I was thousands of miles away from home. Usha Aunty’s idlis, uncle’s cheerful anecdotes, Aditya’s smart alec sarcastic comments and the choice of dessert every night (yoghurt, pure chocolate ice cream, crunchy chocolate ice cream fruit and nut chocolate and bitter chocolate) ensured that I was spoilt to the core!

Some interesting observations:
1. Tamil is one of the official languages there
2. It has the most number of IIM grads after Delhi
3. The custom is that if you are invited to a wedding in Singapore, you are expected to pay money (per head basis) for attending the wedding
4. Grandmothers are paid for baby sitting children when both parents are working (my grandmother would have been a millionaire there)
5. The localites do not have the concept of cooking: so kids have breakfast at Subway, lunch at KFC, coffee at Starbucks and dinner at the foodcourts

I can go on and on about how grateful I am to Usha Aunty and how much I enjoyed my stay there, but nothing I say will do justice to it. Besides I promised that I wouldn’t belittle it with words like “thanks”, “obliged, “indebted” and I am going to stick by it. But yeah, it was a memorable trip for sure…

And for all those losers who are alarmed that I would just land up at their place with no warning and are determined that they would never ever extend an invitation to me for the sake of politeness because I accept it, you guys need not worry. (Aashay you esp)…

The "RIGHT" choice!

I think logic, rationality and judgment are over rated: I mean, most of the important decisions are taken on the spur of the moment, more with your heart than your head. My mom always says that choosing your spouse and choosing your house are very similar, and at that time I used to laugh it off, but now that I have been through it, I can actually understand what she is talking about. I was terrified about finding accommodation in Mumbai, terrified about dealing with brokers and landlords and most of all, terrified about choosing the “right” place given the plethora of options (as expensive as all of them are). But yesterday on my very first day of house hunting, I fell in love with the very first house I set my foot on. As soon as I entered the hall, it almost screamed to me, “this is it, this is my home”. It just “felt right”. I didn’t have to reason with myself, I didn’t have to convince myself, I didn’t have to weigh the pros and cons: it all fell in place as it happens so often with the “right thing”, “the right person” and “the right job”. The rent, the location, the flatmate- it all worked out in a matter of hours. Thereafter I visited a few more houses, but none of them seemed “right”. I don’t believe in the concept of “love at first sight”, but so far that’s the way it has been for me. Even for my job, that’s the way it happened: first company on campus for summers, my first interview, and from the beginning I knew it felt right for me irrespective of its aspiration value to other people- the profile, the money, the offer: none of it was exactly an envious proposition for most people, but it was sooo perfect for ME. May be, just may be, it’s not all HR crap, when they talk about the “perfect fit”. It does exist, as it does for the “right” house, the “right” car, the “right” watch, the "right" political party (may be not, because it doesn't exist) and the “right” relationship…

Lesson learnt: If you have to think too much about something, may be it’s not worth thinking about and this is NOT an excuse to NOT THINK!

Yeh Hai Bombay Meri Jaan

Finally Deloitte decided to divulge the precious precious secret about my location, and YES, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Mumbai it is, and as an icing on the cake, I also got the sector I wanted, i.e. BFSI (Banking and Insurance). Not that all of this matters much, but they are extremely good for your short term happiness. So I kind of love this company; loved it ever since it came on campus a year and a half ago for our summers. Also fresh out of my trip to Singapore (more on it, in my next post), I have realized that while I love traveling, I love visiting new places and meeting new people, it also makes me “country sick” as opposed to homesick- I miss the dirt, the dust, the chaos and the warmth of Mumbai…

For the next few years at least, this city is going to be my home again, and this time, instead of fighting it out in pigeon holed PGs and ladies’ hostels, I am going to live life queen size (which in Mumbai terms means a small room to myself and I am super excited at this luxury). So yes, I have a spanking new office in Powai, reasonable accommodation (again in Mumbai terms) and a good friend (read adorably tolerable) as a flatmate who specializes in making omlettes, solving OR problems, drinking and looking gorgeous. In a way I am far flung from the humdrum of city life, away from the local trains which have been an integral part of my life in Mumbai and as my dad says, “I will be near enough to save him the airfare, but far enough to not get on his nerves”. So yes, I am looking forward to having my own cosy little home, decorating it my way, shopping for curtains, cutlery and cookies, inviting friends for dinner (and then ordering pizza when they can’t stand my cooking) and clutching at my hair when all the bills come…

Say hello to a new me, a new life, a new beginning, but most importantly, a new Mumbai which is still Mumbai

Monetisation of cricket

Now that I am home, my TV viewing is strictly regulated, so is my social life: yes, it’s back to the good old days of “what NOT to do”, but given it’s my last vacation, I am being the bigger person here, and giving in to my dad’s “ridiculous” demands and deadlines. Ahem, ahem!

And yes, I am also subjected to the double torture of IPL and Elections: that’s all my dad follows on TV, and follows it to excruciating details. So yes, I watch ALL (and I mean, ALL) election specials on NDTV (as well as their repeat telecasts) and if I am not watching the mud slinging in the name of politics, I am forced to watch another circus in the name of IPL, a poor cousin of the English Premier League.

Now people who have known me since childhood will swear by my cricket fanaticism, the days I spent glued in front of the TV, scrutinizing each minute of ANY cricket match (even one between Holland and UAE), or a boring day in a test match (when Gary Kirsten and Daryl Cullinan batted the whole day) or in times of desperation, English County matches. I am more the old world kinds who bunked school to sit in the sun in Eden Gardens each time India played, who enjoys the uncorrupted version of cricket (minus the cheerleaders, the glam girls, the noodle straps), who prefers the non-nonsense commentators who talked ONLY cricket (Ian Chappell, Richie Benaud, Geoff Boycott) instead of the dumbed down, Hinglish version in the name of ‘infotainment’, and who failed to move on and “evolve” with the game. Don’t get me wrong, I think the T20 concept rocks, it keeps you hooked and most importantly, unlike the old days, you need not abandon/postpone all your important chores to sit down and enjoy a game of cricket. The shorter version of the game allows you to get your work done AND find enough time to watch the match. What I do not like, however, is the hijacking of television rights by channels who have no business interfering in sports, but the fact that they cater to a larger audience (who derive their daily dose of entertainment from cricket) allows them to do exactly that! Throw in some models, some 30 minutes of pre match “extra innings”, some celebrities and some “slam book” interviews, you have the perfect recipe for keeping an average housewife entertained and therefore adding to your viewership and out goes ESPN, Star Sports, John Dykes and Harsha Bhogle to make way for Set Max, Charu Sharma, Mandira Bedi and the likes.

And to add insult to injury, we now have the IPL which has taken the nation by storm, which gleefully basks in the glory of opulence, which treats players as commodities, which makes headlines for auctioning the most expensive player, which unites Bollywood, business tycoons and cricketers under the common umbrella called “money”, which leaves no room for loyalty and therefore no pride for representation (because you cannot represent money vis-à-vis a country, or even a state) and of course as a follower of the game I am confused about who to support, because my heroes are all playing for different teams, the Pathan brothers are competing against each other and I can’t possibly choose between Sachin and Dravid.

So what if the KKR lost to MI?? I am here to enjoy a fast game and the fast girls…

Missing pieces...

I miss celebrating the little things…
I miss pouring my heart to him…
I miss cribbing about insignificant details…
I miss talking to him, first thing in the morning and last thing at night…
I miss looking forward to the weekends, going through newspapers for the latest movies, the latest eating joint and the latest buzz in the city…
I miss dressing up for him (and dressing down)…
I miss cosying up to him in the theatre…
I miss the quiet candlelit dinners when he tries to feed me that last spoon of dessert…
I miss the late night movies on DVD as we fight for the blanket…
I miss waking up next to him as he kisses me softly on the forehead and runs his hand through my unkempt hair…
I miss our cooking experiments gone wrong…
I miss our impromptu weekend trips…
I miss calling in sick at work and spending the whole day with him…
I miss our quiet walks by the sea and the loud karaoke nights…
I miss the surprise birthday parties which are really not that much of a surprise…
I miss the nonstop text messages…
I miss him…

The making of another brick in the wall

Now that my two year MBA journey is over, this is a good time to look back and do a post-mortem analysis of the entire experience. I have always been an easy-going person- never too competitive or ambitious or hard working, I have never applied myself whole heartedly to my career and every time I have performed below my expectations (which is on most occasions), I have always taken refuge in “better luck next time”. So my life has been kind of serendipity, not quite crafted by fierce ambitions, but rather a journey laced with confusions…

From harbouring dreams of being a detective to a globe trotter to the first woman cricket commentator on ESPN to just making a decent living as an average run-of-the-mill engineer with a sportsman husband (yeah high school fantasies), let’s just say, my life just happened when I busy making other plans! Obviously, 12th standard was kind of a reality check which took care of all such plans and I ended up in a new city with a new subject and yes, a brand new dream, and a very ambitious and expensive one at that: the MBA dream. But this time the difference was that I decided to do something about it, and for the first time I applied myself, and for the first time, one of my dreams actually came true: I made it to one of the top B schools in the country. Now at this point, as I write it, I can’t help that cynical smile on my face, but two years ago, it was like a blur…I had to pinch myself to actually believe that it was finally happening!

But now that I have been through this “rigorous learning experience”, I can’t help asking myself, “was it worth it?” and the answer to that it, “totally!” The thing is if you are really keen on knowledge and education, then a B school is probably not the right place for you. In spite of the 100 credits of academics, the “exposure” to some fifty different subjects in eight different disciplines (finance, marketing, HR, operations, IT, entrepreneurship, strategy, economics), it remains just that: an exposure without the in depth knowledge or expertise in any of them. Honestly speaking, I will have to admit that whatever I learnt in the past two years, could have been self taught (with a little help from dad) from the internet. But then again, a B school never sells knowledge (that’s upto you), what it sells is an “experience” and a “new lifestyle” and if you want to BUY a social status, a fast track career, a label, or even a highly sought after matrimonial profile in just two years, this is a perfect place to do that. I remember the reactions of the people when I joined work as a 21 year old graduate, when I told them I was “just an Eco grad” with no fancy MBA tag, how I had to wait for days before I was given ANY work (and I don’t mean MEANINGFUL work) and how difficult it was for my parents to introduce me in social gatherings. But now that I am on the other side of the fence, and yes, I have a fancy job in a fancy multinational to go with the fancy MBA tag, I still don’t understand why a company would pay me so much money for the kind of job which essentially can be done by anybody with decent amount of common sense. I could have done the same kind of work, two years ago, as a graduate for one third the money, but of course, at that time they wouldn’t have let me cross the threshold of the reception. So is B school education essentially a screening process which separates you from the rest and recruiting from one only saves a company from the time and cost of going through thousands of applications? Because the fact is that unlike any other professional degree (CA/CFA/ medicine/ law) very little of what you learn in a B school in terms of knowledge is actually applied on the job! Obviously if that’s the case, then can you save those few lakhs of rupees and the two years invested in your MBA by simply taking your entrance exam score to a company and getting yourself an interview because you are in the top 5 percentile of the most competitive exam in the world? And the answer to that is a definite NO!

Yes, SCMHRD didn’t bring out the best in me, yes I am somewhat disillusioned after two years, yes, I could’ve done better, yes, I take back some terrible experiences with the director, the admin, and the faculty and yes, I don’t feel the same attachment to this institute as I do for my school or my undergrad college (places I keep going back to even after so many years) but I am grateful to it for the opportunities it has presented, for the people I have met, for the relationships that I have forged and most of all, for a dream to live for! Thanks to it, now I have a “respectable” social standing (you may cringe your nose, but I know how important it is because I have been without one), I already have a short term career to make a decent living for myself for the time being, and also a long term career goal (and MBA has nothing to do with it)! So yes, I do appreciate these last two years, even if it is for the wrong reasons…