Yesterday was like THE longest day of my life. Or may be it just seemed so long because it sucked so much. Now I am not one of those frustrated, disgruntled employees who vent about their jobs (and bosses) on online forums which nobody reads. I go a step further, and ABUSE them on online forums which nobody reads.
So here goes:
I hate office parties: They are the single-most pretentious exercise ever devised to ruin Friday nights. Even the free booze and food are so not worth it. I mean, think about it: listening to some firang bigmouth (who has forgotten how it feels to stop and breathe once in a while) and half-a-dozen MBA grads pretending to be interested in ‘land monetization’ and ‘low P/E valuations of Russia’ at 9 p.m. so sucks the blood out of your system. Then when your boss (let’s call him DK Bose henceforth) follows you around and tells you to ‘mingle and network’ instead of sitting in one corner looking at your watch, it makes you want to throw up on his expensive suit.
I hate ‘showcasing our good work’: Now don’t get me wrong: of all possible corporate jobs out there for me, I think my current job is the best. I get to read a lot (even if it’s a whole of financial jargon), I get to write reports and make creative presentations and the best part is I have complete freedom to do what I want. I have full responsibility, accountability and minimal interference as far as my reports are concerned. And in the last six months, I have done some good work even if I say so myself. (I have got client emails to prove it, which I save and back up on gmail for year-end appraisal when I am sure DK Bose will try to screw up my case and tamper with my mailbox). That’s not because I am god’s gift to Company C, but because I slog 10 hours a day (without long breaks) and I really give my best. I am secure about my capabilities and I think my work speaks for itself (and hence we get recurrent client projects) rather than me doing so. So I don’t feel the need to pander to leadership and throw jargon or book airtime ‘with the people who matter’.
I hate jargon: If I ever get a chance to redesign the MBA curriculum, the first thing I would introduce is the Primary English Language course, which teaches you the very function of ANY language is to COMMUNICATE, and not CONFUSE. I mean, imagine this: two newbies just making casual (the guy trying to sound funny) conversation and DK Bose or firangs are not even around to assess your “team skills”:
Guy: "So what do you think I am drinking?"
Girl: (staring at the glass): "Err…. Vodka?"
Guy: "Are you sure? Within what confidence interval is your answer applicable? 90%-95% or 95%-99%?"
Me (who was stuck between the two): "Can’t you guys like be normal or something?"
Sighhh.. I miss Company D. I had REAL friends there, who just drank without talking about confidence intervals and central limit theorem (this came up during a lunch conversation which I am not even going to repeat here).
Why can’t parties be just parties and MBAs be, well, you know, PEOPLE?